The National Park(way) Service

...an interview with a ranger...Ranger X.

I encountered an off duty national park(way) service ranger in a dimly lit bar, in a small town on the outskirts of one of the park(way)s. I lubed him with a few free drinks, knowing that his meager salary was probably the only limiting factor in this evenings binge. After a few hours of chit-chat, I asked if he would go on the record, anonymously, of course...

Me: Thanks for accepting my invitation. I bet you get few opportunities to speak candidly about the NPwS.

Mr. X: It is true, but what does it matter, the public is not smart enough to read anyway...

M: Wow! That is a fairly contemptuous thing to say. Is that view widely held?

X: Oh yes. We feel that the national park(way)s would be much much better if the public stayed at home. We find them to be fat, stupid, and bothersome.

M: But aren’t the national park(way)s supposed to be for the people to enjoy?

X: No. Absolutely not. That is a common misunderstanding. The national park(way)s are an elaborate series of very expensive toll roads, which wind through areas that we have deemed too valuable for the common public to enjoy. That is why we encourage people to come, pay the toll, ahem...I mean entry fee, and drive through.

M: Wait. You’re saying that you don’t want people to get out of their cars and enjoy the park(way)s?

X: No, of course not. We want people to enjoy the park(way)s from the climate controlled comfort of their vehicles. Oh, and we want them to stop at the gift shop, too! Very important for the mark, ahem...I mean guest, to spend time shopping along the park(way).

M: So in your view, the public is like a herd of sheep, to be corralled and fleeced... and by all means they should not spend time enjoying the beautiful portions of America that have been preserved for their benefit?

X: Better. If they were to linger along the park(way), could you imagine the traffic congestion, and parking issues? Not to mention how many trucks full of keychains and posters we would need to bring in to satisfy their compulsive shopping? It would destroy the roads, and we would have to raise the entrance fees, and the campground fees, and the shower fees...again, so that we can maintain the park(way).

M: So, essentially, you’re organization is a road maintenance outfit, with gift shops, elaborate rest areas called campgrounds, and elaborate viewpoints called trailheads.

X: Bingo.

M: What about the wilderness? What what would John Muir think of the national park(way) service today?

X: Isn’t he dead? Besides, wilderness is for poor people... pioneers, settlers, people with everything to lose and very little to spend in our gift shops. Poor people enjoying the wilderness does not pay the blacktop and gravel contractors!

M: Well, Mr. X, thanks for your time and insight. America appreciates it.

X: Stay at home next summer!